How’s marriage?
17 Aug
Now we are married. I find that in these early days, everyone asks this question: “How’s marriage?” I’ve found myself wanting to give quite acerbic answers about the challenges of learning to make a life with someone, which are frequently met with surprise and concern from the questioner. So in an effort to raise the quality of these interchanges, I’ve fashioned an instruction set for myself. You may or may not find it useful.
- Begin with something positive: “Marriage is wonderful,” or, “Marriage is the single most transformative experience of my life.”
- Then proceed to brutal (yet tender) honesty: “It brings into stark relief all of my most challenging characteristics,” or, “It has illuminated all of the qualities that I most need to work on.”
- Close with something uplifting: “As a result, I think we both have had to learn how to grow and listen in some new and difficult ways,” or, “Facing these challenges has forced both of us to grow as spiritual beings.”
I hope that this protocol will allow me to be honest about the true spiritual value of marriage, while not sucker punching the questioner with negativity. If you have any suggestions, I am all ears.
Marriage is like life: a beautiful struggle.
Thank you, Malik. I like that idea of struggle. The struggle against self, the struggle inherent in building a marriage. Your words are much appreciated.
I was trying to understand why you chose the word “beautiful.” It resonates with me, but I had trouble articulating why. I think it’s the idea that we continue trying — that you refuse to turn away from it.
I’m telling you, brother-in-the-world: Simone Weil, Gravity and Grace. All about the bread of existence being our struggle to reach out for beauty with a grace that accepts boundaries and nullifies our status/personas through acts of compassion.
reading a christian mystic who bested Simone de Beauvoir when they were in the same class at university will really turn your language in directions.
directions. hmm, here i go!
Thank you so much for posting this, Lev. I’m so grateful that many of my close friends have embarked upon this journey ahead of me, allowing me to glimpse, however dimly, a small portion of the path that lies ahead.
At your wedding, I was deeply touched by the inclusion of a quote from Ruhiyyih Khanum, referring to a “grinding” process that takes place during marriage, which slowly polishes the “rough edges” of each person’s character.
Personally, I find the discussion of the difficult parts more interesting and meaningful than the flowery ones. I suppose that culture and society have familiarized me with what positive things to expect from marriage, but few of the subtle challenges of spiritual import.
Anyway, I love you guys.
Tyromaven: grace! My favorite abstract noun. Something about Weil’s pro-labor stance reminds me of In the Skin of a Lion, and of you. If it’s alright, I’ll place the Gravity and Grace quote you sent me here for all to enjoy:
Andrew: Smart lady, Ruhiyyih Khanum. Thanks for appreciating the difficult parts. Maybe this presents another way of thinking about Malik’s “beautiful struggle.” The existence of the difficult parts is what makes the struggle beautiful. “Were it not for the cold, how would the heat of Thy words prevail, O Expounder of the worlds?”
We love you too.
AHA. I knew you were the anonymous cowgirl!!!!!
Congrats on marrying Negin, you’re a lucky guy.
I love Phillipe Copeland. Ya Baha’u'l-Abha!
Frank, loving, honest — and exactly how I feel 4 years down a similar road.
PS. Thanks Phillipe for linking me here.
Thank you for sharing this, dear friend. I hope that if I ever find myself in the same position I’ll remember your advice.
Hmmmm. So being married is harder than just being human, hm? i think you know how i feel about that. Good on ya for being glad for it. That is an assumption. You are coming to see me almost soon. *sigh* i know. you’re not coming to see me. But you will anyway and i am happy for that. i think pilgrimage in the first year of marriage is the best of ideas. i also think an eternal kinship with Negin falls into that category. “Yes, yes,” as they say, “very good, very good.”
I miss you so much. Do you feel like you’re home?
i am delighted with your frankness and willingness to grow. i can only hope that my future mate is as humble and strong and reflective as you and that i can have the patience to be a good and communicative wife. i read somewhere that marriage is the first baby a couple has-it (marriage) needs to be nurtured, right? and of course in the first baby year it is all about getting little sleep and crazy schedules and lots of cleaning up after diapers and what not, but the joy is nearly immeasurable? just guessing….anyway i love you growing and knowing and i miss you both and love you both so very very much.
oh and if you want to check out that article: Dr. Hossain Danesh…..it’s on the Bahai Library….I think it is from a talk called Marriage and Sexuality he gave in 1991….you may have read it. i like it a lot
leslie: w00t. We were just deepening on that article with some friends of ours. If anyone wants it, please find it here: Marriage and Sexuality.
abi: We are in complete agreement. Next to becoming a Baha’i, eternal kinship with Negin is the best decision I’ve made.
marjan: you are too sweet. i’ll keep sharing if you keep holding it down in the middle west.
steven: how cool to get external corroboration! Dr. Danesh talks about “the love of equals,” and I think we’re all trying to figure out how to get there. We’re like the coolest research community ever.
aw, lev. i appreciate deeply how your writing and your blog really express your essence. it’s very cool. as i read, i can *hear* you saying what you have written. that’s pretty cool.
as for marriage, rock on. “beautiful struggle” is good terminology, just as is “perfectly imperfect” to describe human beings. steve and i are in month six of our marriage, and we are definitely enjoying the unity just as much as we are experiencing the grinding process. (i too blogged about that ubiquitous question, “so, how’s married life?” yeah, yeah, yeah.)
and as for other topics covered here–particularly urban agriculture and what you are exploring with context-specific information and food stamps being used at farmer’s markets–i am very intrigued and look forward to reading and learning more. thank you for exposing me to such creative thinking and exploration!
lots of love to (and prayers for) you and negin. always.
Wow! I just did a search, for a children’s class I am preparing for, and happened upon your website! I LOVE the quote from Dr. Danesh. I wish to write the story!!!
Thank you for sharing! Your response Negin to everyone’s requests about “how is marriage” is perfect.
You must know I ask that question of new couples, and would ask you too if I were able to see you!!, because I know the first years of marriage are wonderful, and challenging, difficult and inspiring…I am happy for you both. My asking that question would be full of love for you both, full of hope for your future, and concern for what you may go through in the process.
I pray that you will come up with healthy pathways of dialog that address all of the problem areas before you have children. As long as the pathways are there, you can pave them and landscape around them later.
love for you both.
This post makes me soo happy. You my friend are honest like none other I have experience thus far in regards to marriage. I’m glad to hear married life like you have described. I see it as a great example or a “how to” respond to “The big question”> Hows married life? hahaha
I hope all are well and while I’m here I wanted to share a little secret. Do you know that the first Bahai’s I ever met were of course Abi and Kiyomi but then there was you and Negin and a handful of others that have shown me or have pointed me toward a certain path. A path toward a faith that makes me sooo happy and peaceful. You guys were the first people in my whole life that I have seen who had a great spiritual connection to God and each other. It was beautiful and inspiring and something I longed for.
THANK YOU! : )
Wait till you have kids! Love you brother.